what's on my mind....

       when I was young... "YOUNGER" I envied almost 99.9 % of people I knew, and giving exactly how old younger was chances are that I really didn't know a lot of people. But I still envied. I envied because when they were asked one of the basic question everyone ask a child "what do you want to be when you get older" they all knew what to say. me, I just looked at them and said nothing. sometimes they'll just look at me with a pity smile and tell me that I'm still young and  had lots of time to think about it and that I shouldn't rush. meanwhile I have friends that are doing what they love to do or working on what they want to do, may not be something they've always dreamt about but their happen. while I'm here sitting still with that same basic question "what do you want to be when you grow up". the only difference is that I am grown up. well I'm only 23 but how long is it suppose to take for me to say, "OK this is what I want to do. it's my passion." I'm still waiting for some sort of sign to tell me my destiny. or is there even such a thing. maybe I'm just being foolish.
       I'm currently a student studying computer programming and security but I'm having problems focusing. Could it be because that's what I'm not suppose to do with myself or is it because I'm way over my head with this stuff. Don't get me wrong I like computers. I pretty much live in mine. But is that a good enough reason to continue it?
        I have a Facebook page and 99.9999999 % of all my friends and family are in Florida. and the more and more I think about it, it makes me want to go back. when I speak to someone and I tell them I use to live in Florida the first thing they ask me is, "do you miss it?" and all I can say is hell no. but the truth of the matter is I really do. I miss it the peace of the night. the smell of the ocean every time a breeze came threw. what I didn't/don't miss is the hurricanes. ugh... I really don't miss those, lol. I don't think I was suppose to ever come back to jersey to stay. how can I fix my present to make my future better? how can I receive peace and love within myself and except things for what they are. better yet should I just say "oh well I get what I get and I just need to deal with it." is it enough for me? the bigger picture is that my mom now lives two hours away and a $40. dollars train ticket appose to living 24 hours away and a $500. dollar plane ticket. they two hours away sounds way much better. but darn, to leave the few things that I do have here. My home, my job, and my school. It gives me a headache not knowing what to do with myself.
        iIfeel like I'm being defeated. This is starting to take a toll on me.
                                                                 ~~LATER~~

what is....

what is life if it had no meaning?
what is time if you cannot see it?
what is a memory if there is no longer?
what is eternity if only fools believed in forever?
and what are we if we cannot hold each other?
what is the truth behind the lies?
the times lost which cannot be replaced.
what is a melody without a harmony?
what is a dream that turns to whatever?
what is the night without it's moon?
what are the stars without it's shine?
what is the day without it's sun?
the sky without it's clouds?
what is the passion without fire?
what is a question without an answer?

you are.... (the opposite of this whole thing)

You are the knife to my heart,
The dagger in my soul,
You are the darkness in my shadows,
A nightmare that haunt me so.

You are the pain to my emptiness,
The misery to my loneliness.
You are the abandonment to my heart,
A simple INK to this art.

You are the life I know not,
The character to this undid plot.
You are the times that were lost,
The warmth of the frost.

You are the cracked bricks to my shelter,
The hard knock life that seems forever.
You are the tears to my cries,
The fear and the lies.

You are the future that is no longer,
The glue that puts everything together.
You are the confusion in my thoughts,
The fights that were fought.

You are the whatever to my sentence,
The blocks on my path,
You are the whys to my questions,
A sadness that was never dealt.

You are the poison in my veins,
You are the sickness that I cave.
You are the bitterness that I need,
You are the evil inside me.
You are the opposite of this whole thing,
The muse to my pen and ink...

endless

Fly along side me...
For I will make your hopes and dreams come true.
Give me nothing but your loyalty...
And my heart will forever belong to you.
Love me hard but still so gently...
And I'll give you life and it'll never be empty.
Rest your head beside me...
And I will complete all your hearts desires.
Give yourself to me...
And I will Cherish you for eternity.

love

To feel love is to feel pain...
To grow passion is to become insane...
To have a peace of mind is to let love last...
Allowing to let love last is knowing that you truly grew at heart...
To let your heart beat again is to live your life for love...
No matter what, love is always there...
It is what gives you strength to get up in the morning and what allows you to calmly fall fast asleep...
Love yourself and one day love will find you...
To have a broken heart is to let the world know that you dared to love a love that was lost...
And in hope that love will come again by the same... or with a change...
                      Let love last...

That's when I'll stop loving

When hell freezes over,
When the sky is pitch black and blue,
When I no longer am your lover,
That's when I'll stop loving you.
When God calls us home,
To our sweet bitter memories,
When I'm no longer dreaming of Rome,
Free from all this publicity,
When I no longer do for you,
That's when I'll stop loving you.
When I literally cry of pain but with no tears,
When I seek only loneliness; that's one of my fears.
When I am no longer straight forward and confused,
That's when I'll stop loving you.
When I cry and beg my heart to stop,
When I am no longer me,
When I scream and yell 'cuz it hurts a lot,
When I'm farther from us then I'll ever be.
When you only speak lies and no longer the truth.
That's when I'll stop loving you...

Seasons Change....

A wall....
Feeling alone.
Trying to see but still alone.
    EMPTY....
Emotionless...
A reddish bricked wall.
No longer allowing myself to love.
    Still alone...
         Fearful...
Tired of wondering when freedom will come?
Till then... still... alone
Motionless...
Unable to move freely as desired.
         Commitment...
RUN!!!!
To much to handle.
Eyes full of tears.
Afraid to speak.
Searching and looking for the fire that is no longer.
HELP ME...
                     ALONE....
      Incomplete...
Only because you are not there.
      Troubled...
Because I am forever alone!
      Timeless....
Because love has lost it's passion.
Swimming in a pool that's empty.
Afraid to walk pass or through the wall.
I wonder... lost in thought.
       CHANGING....
Eyes open...
No, still dreaming.
But why?
Breaking through...
No care in the world.

Able to see, no longer alone.
      Full of life...
And strong with passion.
Full of life because there is forever.
Fixed but still broken.
Timeless only because I'm walking on clouds.
                 ALIVE...
Full of fire burning within my soul.
   "Let freedom ring"
I am now forever free.
I see as far as my eyes can see.
Full of power.
Since I'm moving mountains.
No longer bitter.
For I am now able.
      PEACEFUL...
   CALM...
Aroused in all ways possible.
      THINKING...
No longer in pain.
      SAFE...
        More so....
COMPLETE...
Now fully awake
Realizing that I am now in your arms.
Seeing the seasons change when our eyes met.
Melting because I am now safe in your arms.
Able to say I LOVE YOU....

I Tried...

I struggled for a very long time because of you.
I tried to ignore the signs and move on because of you.
I tried to hide my tears with a happy smile because of you.
I tried to forget about my future and lost my mind because of you.
I lost myself, not recognizing my own reflection because of you.
I made enemies and lost all my friends because of you.
I gave up on my hopes and dreams because of you.
I no longer saw me for me because of you.
I did some fowl shit because of you.
I fully lost it for a month or two.
I broke down and walked a dark path because of you!
I contemplated the end because of you!
I cried endless nights because of you.
I hid myself for a long time because of you.
I tried to make justice but failed because of you.
I tried to look pass all odds but couldn't because of you.
I tried to make good memories but ended up with bitter ones because of you.
I ran away from everyone and everything I loved because of you.
I tried my hardest to embrace the truth.
And that's when I simply gave up on you...
But I tried....

never

Never will you fall 'cuz I hold you in my arms
Never will you break down , even if I'm too far.
Never will you fall again,
Never will you cry because we will never be then just friends.

My heart is yours, locked in your soul forever,
Your heart is mines which will let us be together.
There's a lot for us to see, but it can be shared,
Once it's time for us to dream I will always be there.

Never have I fallen 'cuz you're always by my side,
Never will I feel as if I want to break down and die!
Never will we part,
Never will you be away from my heart.

People say to never say never, only 'cuz I don't know what can happen,
But to me it's never say never if you don't really mean it.
I only say never 'cuz I say it from deep with in,
I will love you forever and I will always mean it.

Never will my heart change,
And never will I too,
Never will my love faded,
Because I'll forever love you!!!!

mmmmmmm

ok... i'm excited b cuz there's this book that i am reading called NERVOUS.... BY ZANE... she's awsome. I MEAN AWSOME... lol.. i'm almost to the end of it so i don't want to write about the book itself... ok before i say anymore ZANE'S books has alot of SEXUALITY... i mean A LOT... LOL. beinging that i have read like 4 or 5 (well i own the of coarse) it got me thinking. is it really that bad for a woman to express herself sexually i mean guys do it all the time. see, her novels are great especially to women because it lets us know how it's ok for us to have a you know WILD SIDE. hehe. see, when a women is known to have sex with more then just one guy, several guys she's a whore, hoe, slut, ect (need i say more). but i think that there's many types of sexaul women and that's ok for one to experiance what most are afraid too.
        you that female that every guy wants. that female that seems to b so misterious and cold but HOT at the same time. well that's the female that's not afraid of doing or saying or even asking for SEX. but she's also the female that never is seened with a guy, why??? simple this female like to keep herself and hers PRIVATE. mmmmm understand..... no, ok.
         lets see another type is. you know that female that most crave for. the one that looks at you and makes your birdy tickel... lol that female that lets you know right from the door what she wants and expects no more or less from you. that female that goes to her closet and chooses the man FOR THE NIGHT. the one that claims that she don't need a man to keep her warm... lol well that's the type of female that most confuse as whores, hoes, sluts., just cuz she knows what she wants and even gets what she wants.
now.

i know and completely understand that there has to be a point where a female has to respect herself.
i think guys has it good cuz they can sleep  with as many as they want and not b considered anything. i guess. right? i don't know really i'm not a dude. there's some women who are afraid to say the word sex, fuck, intercourse, or anything that names a body part. lets face it people 2010... things are changing and the sex indistry is rising every year.

don't get me wrong i'm the one to sleep with strangers. i have one person and this persons satisfies me in all types of ways. remember be safe, prevent unwanted things you know what i mean and live and love life to the fullest cuz there's only one... i'll write more about this next time... there's some things i have to do... laters

I TO YOU

I think of you everyday.
And I hope you think of me that way.
I dream of you every single night.
And I hope you think of me once or twice.
I wait for you so that I can see you.
And I hope that you can see me too...
I pray for you so that you wake the next day.
And I give thanks to the almighty when I see a
         smile on your face.
I'll give you my strength when you are most weak,
I'll give you my all even when you're not next to me.
I gaze upon you in hopes you gaze upon me.
When you cry I will make it all better,
When you are lost I will find you.
When you feel stranded I will... no matter...
I stay close but not to close so that you can still breathe.
When you need guidance you can always count on me,
'Cuz I will never.... I just simply WILL......

a letter to jeff

 I know it's simple of me just by writing this here, but there's something that the world needs to know. Papi I'm not holding back. no more hiding... the world must know how I feel about you and how we met... honestly I never thought we'd last this long. almost 4 yrs wow n I still LOVE YOU. every time I'm with you life just seems to be better. Every time I'm around my soul seems to be at peace. you're the only one that can understand me. you're the only one that doesn't judge me, the only one that can put a real smile on my face when I feel as if my world is falling apart. you always make me cry but their tears of joy. joy because I no longer have to be alone, joy because I wake up everyday next to you, and joy because you've opened my eyes. I know  find myself in dark places at times, but when I'm with you the world seems to sit still. imagine the world asleep with only us walking around it's beauty, with the stars looking at us and the moon shining on us. walking around the world seeing all the secrets she holds... just you and me. sounds like a dream huh.. well, that's my dream... I live to love you and your love allows me to move forward... who would have thought that it's possible to meet someone online... after all we met on Myspace... lol... it's fun to see the expression on ppls faces when I tell them I met you on Myspace. when I think back it's crazy how the day we first seened each other we never stood apart from one another. from the good and the bad I'm always here for you. it's like destiny everything was perfect, you even know my family without having to have known me. that was a good thing 'cuz I didn't have to introduce you to everyone since you knew pretty much everyone.. lol. your a pain in the ass sometimes but I took you AS IS... so I can't return you. lol but I know I'm as much as a headache so I guess we are equal. ;) I just want you to know how special you are to me and when you read this know that I LOVE YOU.......

it's been a while

wow it's been aready a month n i haven't post anything, must have been busy. wow it's amazing how time flies by. i don't really have anything to say right... i've been helping my mom get situated since she moved back to jersey... big change for her since it's been so long since she's been out here, everything different for her here. i love having her around. it's been years since we've spent dis much time with eachother. i'm glad for her and i hope she finds happiness here even though this place is hard to cope with...
well dats it for now... i have to get ready for work tomorrow...

Questions?

Am I really meant for you?
And are you really meant for me?
Is the love we share true?
Is finding true love just a dream?
Do you need me as much as I need you?
After all your the first one there when I'm blue.
When you speak is it from the heart?
Is there a distance to our love?
Can it travel far?
When you say forever do you mean till death do us apart?
When you say I'm the only one do you really mean that I'm the only one?

No longer...

We once were dreamers.
Destined to be forever.
Along came something powerful,
We then had a no longer.
I tried to plea with you,
But you were so awful,
Then there was a chance,
And I gave up and said
         Forever was never true.

Your heart grew cold,
Days went by,
We both were alone,
Then months went by,
We had no future to hold.
I became dark,
You... more careless,
We separated far,
And I became fearless.


Bitter memories…
A part of me,
That will be the end of me.
I have foreseen,
How our love will remain misery.
But you once had hope,
And it was too late,
So u had to leave,
And we just changed.
I still keep you close,
Though you might not know,
That I look at the stars,
And sometimes wish we never
        Had part…..

I remember

I remember everything, all the good and bad,

I remember the most of the happy and sad.
I remember when you said we’ll always be together,
But I remember the most when it didn’t last forever.
I remember you held me hands just to walk me to class,
I remember how everything happened so fast.
I remember the looks you use to give me cuz you couldn’t believe,
I remember when you use to hold me and say how we will always be.
I remember the headaches we had when we couldn’t be next to each other,
And the timeless moments when we knew our future…
I remember the time when there was a time that we stood far apart,
And as the days went by we remained in each other hearts.
I remember the times when I use to dream of waking up next to you,
And the times where everything got so confused…
I remember the days where our youth were so perfect,
And in my heart I knew we deserved it.
I remember saying that I will never stop loving you,
I remember when years after you said you no longer loved me,
I remember laying there wondering if that was true,
I remember when I finally realized that it was never meant to be.
I remember telling you that if we were meant to be life will brings us together,
I remember everything because I always wonder…
I remember you because everything remembers me of you,
And even if you do not feel the same its ok cuz I’ll keep this from you.
I remember……

unfit mothers

wow it's been a long time but i'm here, still here. so much has happen and i don't kno where to begin. o happy 2010 everyone i kno i'm a lil late for dat but hey better late then never huh? i have some concerns towards  my mother that is. i love this woman and i'll do anythin for her. without her i would never have been here and of course my father did his thang (lol) but my mother was the one who carried me, mothered me. took care of me. she is my world as i am hers and i hate the fact that she is goin through struggles wich i can't help her the way i'd like to. i cry with her laugh with her tell stories with her and dream with her. i luv her.
but.... thats not what i want to talk about. there's somethin that has been bothering me for a while and i'm tired of seeing this happen, but there's no way i can change it. it is what it is.
why do people get blessed with children and they're not even fit to be parents. i've seen so many women and men that neglect or mistreat their kids that it's just ashame.

i live in the united states, born american and proud of it though i don't agree on what our past government did to our reputation (different story for another time). i live in the worse place ever. camden, nj. one of the top 10 or 5 worse cities in the states. i live in the projects a place where no one would want to start a family. where i live it gets cold and omg it gets cold. explain to me that how can a mother of three (being that she has three kids she should kno better) take her youngest wich is only about 9 months outside where it's below 40 only wearing thermal pants (there not think or anything) and at shirt, and only rap him up with a little blanket. who the hell does that. are you for real. seriously that bothered me cuz if i get cold in a below 40 tem. and have to have two pants on two shirts and a hoody and coat jus imagine how cold that baby was being outside like that.
why does those who don't deserve to have children has them left to right and the ones who stuggle to even have one has to struggle. that never made sence to me.

o, how can a mother that is no longer together with the father and hasn't been together with him for yrs still use her children to get to the father. the worse thing is that she doesn't even have costidy of them and she doesn't even care for them or do anything for them and yet she fake cries to everyone to feel sorry for her.

i'm sorry but i have to go somethin really important came up but believe them subject is not over...