Something....

What is this sadness that aches in my life,
This feeling is so devastating that it makes me weak,
It won't get solved with me sitting around with tears in my eyes,
Happiness is what I seek.
I just need someone to hold me,
Someone to love me,
Someone who won't lie to me,
And someone who makes me feel special.
As time passes by,
I soon come to realize,
That my dreams and wishes will never come true,
And now I know why I do the things I do.
I soon stop to think if the pain will stay for a life time,
'Cuz I'm wishing you'll be mine.
This pain that I'm feeling is deep in my heart,
Makes me wonder what I did wrong,
I wonder if we could at least start all over,
Knowing you'll just say no; I'll have to remain strong.
This thing I feel burns my soul,
A fear that it'll soon become to old.
To never love again,
Don't think I want to be just friends.
This thing is melting my heart,
When I see you pass by I'm wishing that we never grew apart.
This love I have is only for you,
The guy I ever loved,
It feels so true,
There's only a few words that can express my feelings like
                                  I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

It's been awhile.

It's been a while since I posted somthing and when I do it's a while more till I post something knew. I just been really busy, but I do have good news. Recently I came upon some very old poems and a lot of them. Reading them over took me back to memory lane. I actually rewrote a lot of them and decided to take a break. A friend of mines asked me one day why I don't just type them up and then I wont have to rewrite them. I love technology  and all and thank god that it's advanced but I'm not technology lazy lol. I rather write my poems, it makes it that much personal. Plus one can always tell what mood you were really in when one reads your poems. I think that's another reason why it's hard for me to keep up with this whole blog thing. Well right now in my time zone it's late so I'll start posting things up when the sun comes up...  

timeless...

A timeless emotion,
Full of pain and fear,
Lost in the motion,
A craving that's unclear.
A whisper of sweet nothing,
With a deadly Good-Bye,
Gotta mean something,
No time to cry.
An illustrated memory,
With bitterness  that wont fade,
An end with no beginning,
A season with no change.

Became...

I once believed that everything had a happy ending.
The facts of reality proved me wrong.
I use to be so happy as a child.
Then death became part of me.
My closes loved ones left me.
I was growing up with unanswered questions.
Anger became my best friend,
              fear was beside me.
Laughter became a myth and a smile became a dream.
I lost everything from pride to passion.
My dreams began to fade and i grew stuck in this cruel world.
Hurt became my sister.
Pain became my lover.
My tears became my family.
My heart grew cold inside.
I became dead at one point in my life.
And still I live to understand why.
Nothing was able to touch me nor stop me.
I was then unstoppable.
Family became my foes.
Foes became my best friends.
My friends became strangers.
My eyes became just an illusion.
My past became bitter memories.
Then out of no where he became my HERO....

what's on my mind....

       when I was young... "YOUNGER" I envied almost 99.9 % of people I knew, and giving exactly how old younger was chances are that I really didn't know a lot of people. But I still envied. I envied because when they were asked one of the basic question everyone ask a child "what do you want to be when you get older" they all knew what to say. me, I just looked at them and said nothing. sometimes they'll just look at me with a pity smile and tell me that I'm still young and  had lots of time to think about it and that I shouldn't rush. meanwhile I have friends that are doing what they love to do or working on what they want to do, may not be something they've always dreamt about but their happen. while I'm here sitting still with that same basic question "what do you want to be when you grow up". the only difference is that I am grown up. well I'm only 23 but how long is it suppose to take for me to say, "OK this is what I want to do. it's my passion." I'm still waiting for some sort of sign to tell me my destiny. or is there even such a thing. maybe I'm just being foolish.
       I'm currently a student studying computer programming and security but I'm having problems focusing. Could it be because that's what I'm not suppose to do with myself or is it because I'm way over my head with this stuff. Don't get me wrong I like computers. I pretty much live in mine. But is that a good enough reason to continue it?
        I have a Facebook page and 99.9999999 % of all my friends and family are in Florida. and the more and more I think about it, it makes me want to go back. when I speak to someone and I tell them I use to live in Florida the first thing they ask me is, "do you miss it?" and all I can say is hell no. but the truth of the matter is I really do. I miss it the peace of the night. the smell of the ocean every time a breeze came threw. what I didn't/don't miss is the hurricanes. ugh... I really don't miss those, lol. I don't think I was suppose to ever come back to jersey to stay. how can I fix my present to make my future better? how can I receive peace and love within myself and except things for what they are. better yet should I just say "oh well I get what I get and I just need to deal with it." is it enough for me? the bigger picture is that my mom now lives two hours away and a $40. dollars train ticket appose to living 24 hours away and a $500. dollar plane ticket. they two hours away sounds way much better. but darn, to leave the few things that I do have here. My home, my job, and my school. It gives me a headache not knowing what to do with myself.
        iIfeel like I'm being defeated. This is starting to take a toll on me.
                                                                 ~~LATER~~

what is....

what is life if it had no meaning?
what is time if you cannot see it?
what is a memory if there is no longer?
what is eternity if only fools believed in forever?
and what are we if we cannot hold each other?
what is the truth behind the lies?
the times lost which cannot be replaced.
what is a melody without a harmony?
what is a dream that turns to whatever?
what is the night without it's moon?
what are the stars without it's shine?
what is the day without it's sun?
the sky without it's clouds?
what is the passion without fire?
what is a question without an answer?

you are.... (the opposite of this whole thing)

You are the knife to my heart,
The dagger in my soul,
You are the darkness in my shadows,
A nightmare that haunt me so.

You are the pain to my emptiness,
The misery to my loneliness.
You are the abandonment to my heart,
A simple INK to this art.

You are the life I know not,
The character to this undid plot.
You are the times that were lost,
The warmth of the frost.

You are the cracked bricks to my shelter,
The hard knock life that seems forever.
You are the tears to my cries,
The fear and the lies.

You are the future that is no longer,
The glue that puts everything together.
You are the confusion in my thoughts,
The fights that were fought.

You are the whatever to my sentence,
The blocks on my path,
You are the whys to my questions,
A sadness that was never dealt.

You are the poison in my veins,
You are the sickness that I cave.
You are the bitterness that I need,
You are the evil inside me.
You are the opposite of this whole thing,
The muse to my pen and ink...