Monday, December 7, 2009

my hopes

I'm starting not to know what to say anymore. I'm loosing my words and I can't seem to find them. I hurt deep inside and I have yet gain the answers to my questions. I cover myself with helping others so that I don't face my own problems. I am loosing my mind more and more everyday. only when he is around me I find comfort yet no answers but I can live with that. I'll stand by him as he'll stand by me. I keep faith in my heart because it gives me strength to wake up. I pray because it keep me sane and I believe because he believes in me. but until the day comes where I can receive my answers i will be incomplete. so till then I will do my best in maintaining my sanity and keeping my heart pure. I will do my hardest to find love within myself in hopes that it will overcome my sadness. with my blogs I will try to find my words and bring since to my loneliness.
I teach myself to help myself so that I can fully be able to teach and help others. I am no saint. I am not perfect and I have more flause then the next person. and because I this I will continue to move on and continue to gain what I have yet gain. (making any since) lol. 
one day I will be able to see the tomb where my father rests. it's been almost 5 yrs and since he is so far away  I have yet been able to see him or even go the day he was barried since they barried him so far away from in children. I hope he forgave me for not being the daughter I should have been and I will forgive him for not being the father he should have been. (there's always two storys to everything) 
I will find the heart to ask my mother who still lives to forgive me for all the wrong that I have done to her. I know she did her best in being a single parent and kept her strength and head up high through out all the hard and painful tragedies in our lives. 
I will ask my little sister to forgive me for leaving so young and not being by her side when she needed me the most. and even though she is only a year younger then me she is still my little sister and will do anything to protect her. I've some how erased most of my childhood memories with her and I'm still fighting to them back. 
I will help  my little brother as I have said and hope that he too can forgive me for my lack of being there for him as well. 
and in hopes that through this I will find more piece in my heart or I am to be doomed for the rest of my life.  brought harm and tears to my family and I've disappeared throughout our lives. I've came and went leaving them wondering why where and will I ever come back. I hope that  can change people lives so that they will not go through what I've gone through. and I hope that I can find myself for it is time for me to come out again.                                    THANK YOU FOR LISTENING.... 

Thursday, December 3, 2009

for my little brother

i am trying to help him, but for some reason he seems lost. he is my brother, my little brother, my only brother. i jus hope that he understands how hard i am trying. i'll give him my all and all  the advice and guiedence that i can give him. i will not give up on him and i pray that he grows a little more patient. after all we are in a ressesioin and i am doin my best. i will not let him and i'll give him shelter and my love and support. i'll give him all my blessings in what ever he does and back him up on it. i know it is hard and since he is still young and has never fully has been on his own he can always lean on me because i am his sister, his older sister. i feel as though God sent him to live with me for a reason and untill i can fully help me i will not stop nor turn my back on him like everyone else has in the past. (to my sister: don't worry i am not talking about you lol) my brothers bday is on saturday and he hasn't had atleast a little party or even a girft nor a cake in years and i will do my all to give it to him jus to c him smile. i luv u junito. you have always gave me hope in moving on and strength when i lost faith. and now that ur growin weak i'll give you strength even if it's the last strength in my soul. and if you loose sight in your faith i will show you the way in claiming i back!! it's all yours bro b cuz i love u homie... I WON'T LET YOU DOWN...

Monday, November 30, 2009

being ur self..

To be you in today’s world is hard. People start judging before they can have a chance to know you. Trying to be someone else can give you a huge weight on your shoulders. Proving to people that you are like no other is more work then a regular 9 to 5 lol. It’s sad but it's true. Then when you feel as if all is well the worse happens. You end up loosing your self and start to not even recognize the person you're looking at in the mirror. You know all of you have once or twice, hell even more then has looked in the mirror and asked who am I? Right? Lol.



You know when your in a work place you have to be different, professional. Then let’s say you make friends with someone and yall end you hanging out after work. It don't matter where, jus two ppl from work. Doesn’t'[t it feel uncomfortable in the beginning. since the only thing they know about you is how you are/act at wok. I hate that. then they start judging you, or you start judging them. why is that? why do we judge ppl first then get to know them later? is that backwards? shouldn't we know them first? Then we can freely judge them now since we know them.


I’m always being judged. Then when ppl start to know me it's always the same thing. "O, I honestly thought you were mean and rude. I thought you were the bitch here. But your honestly a good person, in and out of work." ppl has told me this so many times that now I just start to laugh. I don't even care anymore what ppl think of me. No one should care what ppl think. Thoughts and opinions of an individual are harmless. But I’ve seen ppl get highly upset over some words.


I have friends now that has later on during our friendship had the nerve to tell me they thought I was a bitch, bully, rude, mean. When I start laughing they get confused. When they ask me what’s so funny I’ll simply say, “I’m use to it". They’ll just simply look at me with more confusion. How come ppl think of me in these ways and then change their minds when they have a better understanding about me? Well, I really don't know. All I know is that I am a person who'll tell you the truth no matter the cost. If you have my whole complete honesty then that will let you know I’ll be a good friend. If we're having a conversation and I say something that I shouldn't say, just because I speak my mind weather you want to hear it or not doesn’t mean that I am a rude person or mean or even a bitch. I’m just saying what everyone is thinking but too afraid to say that. That will make me brave and again a good friend.


If you’re asking me for advice, bare yourself for the worse because even if I don't mean to so up forward with my words at least I didn't beat around the bush like your other friends. If you tell me you love this guy so much and you know he's with someone else but you can't seem to part ways with him since you love him so much. I’ll be gentle and tell you that you're stupid but the heart must take time to heal. And if he really cares/loves you he wouldn't do anything to harm you in any way shape or form, and as a friend I’ll stand by you.


Since I am this type of person why must I be judged as a mean, rude, bitch person. I guess. If that's how ppl feel then so be it. I am going to continue to be me and there's no one that can stop me...


Now remember that these are my thoughts, feelings and opinions. I am not saying that I am right or telling you how to feel. just know that I am going to say the truth my truth and if your agree that’s what up and if you don't that what’s up too... always remember never to catch feeling because of what one say. Words are words. Never give someone the chance to control your emotions or get the best of you because then they'll have the upper hand..... xoxo

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

if dats not luv i don't kno what is

he tells me he luvs me all da time. he tells me he'll stand by me almost every single day. he supports me even if he knos i'll fail. he'll stare into my eyes until i start laughin and i'll tell him he's makin me feel uncomfortable lol. he'll sit there and help me until i am free from my stress... and when i'm sick he'll find a way to make me feel better knoin he'll b sick right after. when i cry he'll hold me and cry with me so that i wont feel alone. if dats not luv i don't kno what is... he knos wen somethin is wrong wit me even if i don't say nothin. wen i feel upset he'll let me play his x box 360 and so i can kill ppl on gears of war... jus so dat i can feel some what better lol ( all dis is true by da way)
i luv u papi ur da reason i can still breathe... muahz

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Thinking... lol

Learn to face your fears as much as it's scary you must. It’s the only way one can move on with their life. I had to it. Even though I’m still being haunted from some other fears that are something I’ll have to deal with in do time (fingers crossed). I’ve done a lot in my life good and bad. I’ve shed tears and thought why am I still here, and I’ve come to this conclusion it might sound cheesy so bare with me, lol. I am here to help ppl (duh). Well it is what I like to do. not jus for my pleasures but I believe that if everyone will help someone in need even if it's for advise, a close of water, a flat tire, a need of a simple phone call ect, honestly I believe the world will be much better. But... since ppl give help in expected something in return greed comes into play. They do say god don't like ugly. And even if my god is not your god believe me when I say some way some how it's all the same. You just have to learn and study, but that a different topic. Lol



I’ve helped so many ppl and ppl I don't even know from a can of paint. But I still helped them and stood by them until they where able to help themselves. Now I’m not saying that I’m perfect and I’m some type of angle believe I’m less then an angle. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to help this one person who I knew need my help from all others. She mad not so good choices in life and needed extra help. Don’t get me wrong I’m not judging her or no one. But I feel as if I let this person down. I know I need. I must have not giving her my all but I can truly tell you I need my best and but in my time.


I’m a regular person wit a 9 to 5 gig. I want to reach for the stars and maybe hold the whole galaxy in my hands. I mean isn't that what everyone wants. To live a life where u don't have to budget in order to get what you want, a life with no worries. Well, I know that's what I want and maybe one day I’ll be able to live that way and hopefully be able to more ppl. I wish I can just accept my faith but I refuse too I’m here for a reason and if I am able to help ppl and enjoy that must be my reason. I really don't know yet. maybe one day I’ll reach that point and I’ll be able to write about and your wonder "damn how did she do it, she really did it what she said she was going to do." and I’ll cry out with happiness..."yet I did it finally, all that heard work and ups and downs paid off in the long run." lol I don't know maybe I’m jus dreaming. In that I case I wouldn't want to wake up.


Did u know how crazy I am that I met a complete stranger at a job I had and she was so lost and frustrated that I helped her and stood by her until she accomplished her mission. Lol ha it was really a big mission. She lived in a different state and really didn't know anyone, but I helped her. Lol never will I forget that day. Now we became good friends.


I’m probably loosing u. right? Yeah I thought so. I’m a complicated person to understand that's why... when I write again then maybe you can fully understand why I’m complicated... if u have any questions email me at cmdathe@gmail.com or jus comment which ever makes it easier. Till next time i'm outii... let love last...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Perfect

When I think of what we use to be,

I see everything that we weren’t able to be.

From the times we met up after school,

To the days where we were simple fools.

From when we had our first kiss,

And the school days that we missed.

We were never perfect.

When everyone hated the fact that we was together,

Jealous girls didn’t want us together.

As young as we were we remained strong,

Ignored everything cuz to us there was nothing wrong.

From when my mom told me to brake up with you,

And I tried but I couldn’t because I loved you.

We were never perfect.

When the guys begged me to leave you cuz you wasn’t worth it,

I just laughed because I wasn’t going to do it.
When I think of what things could have been

Or what things should have been

I know now that we were never perfect.

How we still was the talk when we left middle school
And became a bigger thing when I got into high school

We stayed strong for a very long time,

But came to part in such a short time.

The way you became my first in just about everything,

Then slowly became the last in some things.

We were never perfect.

The way we defended each other when times got rough,

How you always picked on me for being so tough.

From when we were able to get lost in each others eyes

And when you helped me clean off when I fell from the dirt bike.
The way everything ended with no good byes or see you laters,

When I closed the door behind me and realized we were never meant

To be forever.

Only because we were never perfect.

in pain...

it's wierd how everythin work.. i'm so bored of it.. sadly to say i'm not even sure who am i... blah blah blah... i miss him though... it's a very long time but i can still feel  him here... i'm talkin about my father. u kno dat every girl needs her father, me i have none. can't remember how it feels to have father by my side since we lived so far from eachother. it hurts to kno now dat i'm here we everything started he is no longer here. 2005 was wen my heart was broken... i luv u daddy and miss u... 


just 18.... (i remember)



i had just turned 18 and i remember it all.. i remember how happy i was when my father came to visit me on my birthday.. i remember looking into his eyes and seeing so much saddness in him.. but the pain that we were soon to feel no one deserved it.. i remember his smile his laughter and his ways, i remember everything even when he went away.. i never knew that june 27, 2005 would be my worst day.. i remember chabo calling me down stairs, i remember when she looked at me cold, when she said that she had news, i remember when she spoke only because that day i lost my soul.. i remeber her telling me that papi was no longer here, i remember her grabbing my hands but her words i did not hear.. i remember when she told me that junito had died, but i also remember her telling me that it wasn't my brother but father but i just cried.. i remember looking at abuela with an emptiness in my heart, i remember feeling nothing becasue my life was torn apart.. i remeber when my cousin took me, chabo, and lulu to cooper hospital because i had to identify and make sure it was my father.. i remember nothing just seeing that door open, i remember seeing my beloved father in the hopsital bed dead!!!!! i remember not thinking of nothing just laying myself on his cold blue body!!! i remember yelling at god to bring back my papi.. i remember my aunts trying to grab me but my body became paralized and threw itself on the floor, i remember begging god to let me see my father once more.. i remember cursing at everyone in the bible, i remember when lulu grabbed me when i cursed at gods deciples.. i remember nothing but everything is so clear, i remember that death was my biggest fear.. i remember when everyone looked at me with pity, i remember when i finally became shocked... shocked because he was gone, i remember my aunts telling me that since i was the oldest i had to be strong!! i remember this day because i never said good-bye, i remember telling my father bendicion and i love you, i remember telling my father see you when my life is through.....






R.I.P... SEGUNDO GUZMAN A.K.A JUNNY...OR JUNITO

hope u guys like dis...



Friday, November 20, 2009

I'll try not to bore u....

HI... new to da whole bloggin world. Don't worry I'll try not to bore u to death...
Ummm i wonder should i introduce mii self or jus keep it movin. i live in camden, new jersey. i like to right poems and stuff mayb i'll post some up later... i'm 22 yrs old. i'm a summer baby dats all u'll kno for now, theres alot about me to kno. but since it's a lil late i should b gettin to sleep. i should have started this earlier wen i got out of work. well later.... i'll let u kno more wen i come back...