what's on my mind....

       when I was young... "YOUNGER" I envied almost 99.9 % of people I knew, and giving exactly how old younger was chances are that I really didn't know a lot of people. But I still envied. I envied because when they were asked one of the basic question everyone ask a child "what do you want to be when you get older" they all knew what to say. me, I just looked at them and said nothing. sometimes they'll just look at me with a pity smile and tell me that I'm still young and  had lots of time to think about it and that I shouldn't rush. meanwhile I have friends that are doing what they love to do or working on what they want to do, may not be something they've always dreamt about but their happen. while I'm here sitting still with that same basic question "what do you want to be when you grow up". the only difference is that I am grown up. well I'm only 23 but how long is it suppose to take for me to say, "OK this is what I want to do. it's my passion." I'm still waiting for some sort of sign to tell me my destiny. or is there even such a thing. maybe I'm just being foolish.
       I'm currently a student studying computer programming and security but I'm having problems focusing. Could it be because that's what I'm not suppose to do with myself or is it because I'm way over my head with this stuff. Don't get me wrong I like computers. I pretty much live in mine. But is that a good enough reason to continue it?
        I have a Facebook page and 99.9999999 % of all my friends and family are in Florida. and the more and more I think about it, it makes me want to go back. when I speak to someone and I tell them I use to live in Florida the first thing they ask me is, "do you miss it?" and all I can say is hell no. but the truth of the matter is I really do. I miss it the peace of the night. the smell of the ocean every time a breeze came threw. what I didn't/don't miss is the hurricanes. ugh... I really don't miss those, lol. I don't think I was suppose to ever come back to jersey to stay. how can I fix my present to make my future better? how can I receive peace and love within myself and except things for what they are. better yet should I just say "oh well I get what I get and I just need to deal with it." is it enough for me? the bigger picture is that my mom now lives two hours away and a $40. dollars train ticket appose to living 24 hours away and a $500. dollar plane ticket. they two hours away sounds way much better. but darn, to leave the few things that I do have here. My home, my job, and my school. It gives me a headache not knowing what to do with myself.
        iIfeel like I'm being defeated. This is starting to take a toll on me.
                                                                 ~~LATER~~

what is....

what is life if it had no meaning?
what is time if you cannot see it?
what is a memory if there is no longer?
what is eternity if only fools believed in forever?
and what are we if we cannot hold each other?
what is the truth behind the lies?
the times lost which cannot be replaced.
what is a melody without a harmony?
what is a dream that turns to whatever?
what is the night without it's moon?
what are the stars without it's shine?
what is the day without it's sun?
the sky without it's clouds?
what is the passion without fire?
what is a question without an answer?

you are.... (the opposite of this whole thing)

You are the knife to my heart,
The dagger in my soul,
You are the darkness in my shadows,
A nightmare that haunt me so.

You are the pain to my emptiness,
The misery to my loneliness.
You are the abandonment to my heart,
A simple INK to this art.

You are the life I know not,
The character to this undid plot.
You are the times that were lost,
The warmth of the frost.

You are the cracked bricks to my shelter,
The hard knock life that seems forever.
You are the tears to my cries,
The fear and the lies.

You are the future that is no longer,
The glue that puts everything together.
You are the confusion in my thoughts,
The fights that were fought.

You are the whatever to my sentence,
The blocks on my path,
You are the whys to my questions,
A sadness that was never dealt.

You are the poison in my veins,
You are the sickness that I cave.
You are the bitterness that I need,
You are the evil inside me.
You are the opposite of this whole thing,
The muse to my pen and ink...

endless

Fly along side me...
For I will make your hopes and dreams come true.
Give me nothing but your loyalty...
And my heart will forever belong to you.
Love me hard but still so gently...
And I'll give you life and it'll never be empty.
Rest your head beside me...
And I will complete all your hearts desires.
Give yourself to me...
And I will Cherish you for eternity.

love

To feel love is to feel pain...
To grow passion is to become insane...
To have a peace of mind is to let love last...
Allowing to let love last is knowing that you truly grew at heart...
To let your heart beat again is to live your life for love...
No matter what, love is always there...
It is what gives you strength to get up in the morning and what allows you to calmly fall fast asleep...
Love yourself and one day love will find you...
To have a broken heart is to let the world know that you dared to love a love that was lost...
And in hope that love will come again by the same... or with a change...
                      Let love last...

That's when I'll stop loving

When hell freezes over,
When the sky is pitch black and blue,
When I no longer am your lover,
That's when I'll stop loving you.
When God calls us home,
To our sweet bitter memories,
When I'm no longer dreaming of Rome,
Free from all this publicity,
When I no longer do for you,
That's when I'll stop loving you.
When I literally cry of pain but with no tears,
When I seek only loneliness; that's one of my fears.
When I am no longer straight forward and confused,
That's when I'll stop loving you.
When I cry and beg my heart to stop,
When I am no longer me,
When I scream and yell 'cuz it hurts a lot,
When I'm farther from us then I'll ever be.
When you only speak lies and no longer the truth.
That's when I'll stop loving you...

Seasons Change....

A wall....
Feeling alone.
Trying to see but still alone.
    EMPTY....
Emotionless...
A reddish bricked wall.
No longer allowing myself to love.
    Still alone...
         Fearful...
Tired of wondering when freedom will come?
Till then... still... alone
Motionless...
Unable to move freely as desired.
         Commitment...
RUN!!!!
To much to handle.
Eyes full of tears.
Afraid to speak.
Searching and looking for the fire that is no longer.
HELP ME...
                     ALONE....
      Incomplete...
Only because you are not there.
      Troubled...
Because I am forever alone!
      Timeless....
Because love has lost it's passion.
Swimming in a pool that's empty.
Afraid to walk pass or through the wall.
I wonder... lost in thought.
       CHANGING....
Eyes open...
No, still dreaming.
But why?
Breaking through...
No care in the world.

Able to see, no longer alone.
      Full of life...
And strong with passion.
Full of life because there is forever.
Fixed but still broken.
Timeless only because I'm walking on clouds.
                 ALIVE...
Full of fire burning within my soul.
   "Let freedom ring"
I am now forever free.
I see as far as my eyes can see.
Full of power.
Since I'm moving mountains.
No longer bitter.
For I am now able.
      PEACEFUL...
   CALM...
Aroused in all ways possible.
      THINKING...
No longer in pain.
      SAFE...
        More so....
COMPLETE...
Now fully awake
Realizing that I am now in your arms.
Seeing the seasons change when our eyes met.
Melting because I am now safe in your arms.
Able to say I LOVE YOU....